Monday, May 14, 2007
it's not you, it's me.
Ah the good ol' "it's not you, it's me" routine never seems to fade away. I like how people--mainly women--consistently use that disparaging line to get out of sticky situations. Sure it's really you and not me, but that isn't sufficient reason to tell the truth. I love the Seinfeld references that go along with it. Infact, I love the pertinent life issues that Seinfeld always emphasizes.
Just the other day Manu was telling me how this girl gave him the "it's not you, it's me" line in how she wasn't ready for a relationship. A few days later, she tells him that she likes this other guy and wants advice on how to approach him. Naturally, he was crushed; naturally, I laughed at him--repeatedly. Now, being avid Seinfeld junkies, and me knowing Manu, we both knew it was really him and not her. And her subsequent antics only further solidified that notion. Hey, I've suffered its wrath, amidst many other things, as have others. Its prevalence in contemporary society is astounding.
I believe the truth hurts. Not just in receiving, but giving, as well. I am no Machiavellian opportunist; contrary to what some might think, I don't revel in the misery of others. Sometimes the truth needs to be said, and said vehemently. But I suppose if you conjure up a lie to tell the truth, it might be best. Perhaps telling a lie to explain a point that is predicated on the truth would be optimal.
I just finished watching Annie Hall, and it is a brilliant piece of film-making. Perhaps I would appreciate it more in about 15 years or so, when I am involved in a dysfunctional marriage with some whore who complained incessantly about mindless shit.
I need some weed.
Just the other day Manu was telling me how this girl gave him the "it's not you, it's me" line in how she wasn't ready for a relationship. A few days later, she tells him that she likes this other guy and wants advice on how to approach him. Naturally, he was crushed; naturally, I laughed at him--repeatedly. Now, being avid Seinfeld junkies, and me knowing Manu, we both knew it was really him and not her. And her subsequent antics only further solidified that notion. Hey, I've suffered its wrath, amidst many other things, as have others. Its prevalence in contemporary society is astounding.
I believe the truth hurts. Not just in receiving, but giving, as well. I am no Machiavellian opportunist; contrary to what some might think, I don't revel in the misery of others. Sometimes the truth needs to be said, and said vehemently. But I suppose if you conjure up a lie to tell the truth, it might be best. Perhaps telling a lie to explain a point that is predicated on the truth would be optimal.
I just finished watching Annie Hall, and it is a brilliant piece of film-making. Perhaps I would appreciate it more in about 15 years or so, when I am involved in a dysfunctional marriage with some whore who complained incessantly about mindless shit.
I need some weed.
Comments:
"I need some weed."
Reuben: And I need a hotdog!
Hotdog Vendor: Hotdogs! Getcher Hotdogs here!
Reuben: Woo Hoo!
Gautam: What do you do - follow my friend around?
Hotdog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college!
But seriously, the lie that everyone knows is a lie, is a tried tested and true way of telling someone the hurtful truth without actually 'telling' them. I'm trying to think of other examples, but the "it's not you, it's me" line is one of the most prevalent forms.
It's interesting how regardless of how many people know what you actually mean, it's actually an effective way of "letting someone know."
The full sentence is probably:
"It's not you, it's me... who thinks you're ugly, uninteresting and in a nutshell bland"
Reuben: And I need a hotdog!
Hotdog Vendor: Hotdogs! Getcher Hotdogs here!
Reuben: Woo Hoo!
Gautam: What do you do - follow my friend around?
Hotdog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college!
But seriously, the lie that everyone knows is a lie, is a tried tested and true way of telling someone the hurtful truth without actually 'telling' them. I'm trying to think of other examples, but the "it's not you, it's me" line is one of the most prevalent forms.
It's interesting how regardless of how many people know what you actually mean, it's actually an effective way of "letting someone know."
The full sentence is probably:
"It's not you, it's me... who thinks you're ugly, uninteresting and in a nutshell bland"
Interesting post. Being a Seinfeld junkie myself, I'm curious - what would either of you have said in her position (pretending she's a nice, normal person and ignoring for a moment the part where she later irrationally tells Manu about the other guy)?
honestly, I'd have done the exact same thing in his place. honestly, at that point, it isn't even about the girl; it's about your own inadequacy that is infringed upon.
oh wait, I misread it when you said "her" position. In that case, I would've done the same thing anyways. After all, why compromise your own intentions to spare someone else's feelings?
"what would either of you have said in her position"
"Either of you" being Gautam and manu or Gautam and I?
"Either of you" being Gautam and manu or Gautam and I?
I'd tell the truth without the details (if said details were hurtful)
I think a simple, "I'm just not interested in you, in that way" or even a "I just see you as a friend" would suffice. They're cliches but they say enough. Mind you I'd add some clarification depending on the person, but I wouldn't necessarily say anything critical unless hounded.
Turning the question around on you, Bui - what would you say?
I think a simple, "I'm just not interested in you, in that way" or even a "I just see you as a friend" would suffice. They're cliches but they say enough. Mind you I'd add some clarification depending on the person, but I wouldn't necessarily say anything critical unless hounded.
Turning the question around on you, Bui - what would you say?
I find it incredibly difficult to tell someone something they don't want to hear. It's right up there on my list of fears, wayyy ahead of public speaking and death. That said, I used to be a proponent of the straightforward approach, until I was labelled an insensitive jerk for my honesty - which is fine if you don't mind that, but I do. So then I thought the wishy-washy approach would be regarded more kindly, but it obviously isn't and wasn't. Honestly, I don't know what I'd have said, which is why I asked for advice.
I don't so much fear the act of telling someone something they don't want to hear as much as I loathe it.
The reason I'm not a big proponent of the wishy-washy approach is because it gives false hope. While a con of the brutally-honest approach is that you are voluntarily hurting the person and are consequently labelled an insensitive jerk, unless the person’s psycho-stalker, it doesn’t give them false hope. On the other hand, the wishy-washy approach, while being a softer way of letting someone down, can lead to them being unintentionally strung along and the aggregate of hurt-feelings accumulated over the course of said “stringing” can be equal to – or even greater than – those from the brutally-honest approach, leaving you in the exact same position as before.
I think that the "right approach" varies from person to person and if I were to try and find a general approach, I’d fail miserably. One thing to keep in mind though, in the long run (speaking from experience), the truth is appreciated. The average person might be upset or angry at first, but over time they’ll respect you for not feeding them a vat of bullshit.
Maybe in the end, all that’s important is that you’re well aware of both methods since the right approach is generally a compromise between the two.
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The reason I'm not a big proponent of the wishy-washy approach is because it gives false hope. While a con of the brutally-honest approach is that you are voluntarily hurting the person and are consequently labelled an insensitive jerk, unless the person’s psycho-stalker, it doesn’t give them false hope. On the other hand, the wishy-washy approach, while being a softer way of letting someone down, can lead to them being unintentionally strung along and the aggregate of hurt-feelings accumulated over the course of said “stringing” can be equal to – or even greater than – those from the brutally-honest approach, leaving you in the exact same position as before.
I think that the "right approach" varies from person to person and if I were to try and find a general approach, I’d fail miserably. One thing to keep in mind though, in the long run (speaking from experience), the truth is appreciated. The average person might be upset or angry at first, but over time they’ll respect you for not feeding them a vat of bullshit.
Maybe in the end, all that’s important is that you’re well aware of both methods since the right approach is generally a compromise between the two.
