I am a little less upset than I was yesterday. Somehow, and for what reason I can't really recall, I made a promise to her to not be affected by my unrequited passion. I made her feel bad yesterday but I couldn't help it. I am not used to giving a shit once my heart gets broken. It's tough though; it really is. I'll just have to feign niceness to her while I take my anger and frustrations out on something/someone else.

Current mood: jadedisappointed

I don't know if I am strong enough to really get through all of this. It's been plaguing my mind and I've put all my cards on the table. When I talk to her, I feel great. That attention really digs deep into my heart. I feel almost invincible because I can ignore other facets of my life and just be, which is something that I rarely ever get to feel.

The thing is, my feelings are unreciprocated. She's seen my cards and she's just not having any of it. At first I thought it had something to do with Pouya, but it doesn't. I asked her if she'd go out with me if she didn't have a boyfriend and she said I wouldn't like the answer, but that I should already know the answer. Well, if that isn't a dagger and a half, I don't know what is.

Her complaint is that she doesn't want to ruin what we have. But is that dagger not doing the job anyways? Does she not understand that she's hurting me indirectly by not being with me instead?

I don't know what to tell her. I don't even know what to think about it. Sometimes, I just want to leave everything I have here and just go off to some village in the himalayas. Without a concern for anything and everything I have here with me. It's so much easier to forget what you have when you have nothing. That's specifically what I am trying to employ here.

I don't think I'd have the guts to do it though. I'd miss people and the anger would only sustain my sanity in isolation for so long. I'd eventually want to go back and see everyone that may have missed me.

I just don't know if I can