Saturday, December 20, 2008
addiction.
I may not have had the greatest addictions ever. I don't know what it's like to be addicted to meth or heroin. I don't ever want to know, but I do know what addiction feels like. I used to smoke for a while. It started when I was in about 2nd/3rd year and my friend had given me a cigarette. I never really thought about the consequences as I knew I had to smoke a significant amount to really fuck my lungs up. The thing is, it was addicting. Everytime I smoked, I wanted another one. It started off small, then increased. I'd stop, then I'd go at it again. The more times I quit the easier it became to quit the next time around or so I thought.
The fact is, you can never really quit. I mean, you can stop, but never really quit unless you have the utmost of dedication.
The thing with cigarettes was that it factored in emotions. If I was tired, stressed or angry, I smoked. If I had just eaten, if I was bored or if I was just hanging out friends who smoked, I smoked. If I saw someone smoke, ooh boy, I wanted a fag in my mouth (that's right). But in all seriousness, it was bad.
So I was playing poker online for money for a month or two. I'd become really good at it, so I kept going at it and was making money. I started off with 10, doubled it, then doubled that. Soon I was at over a hundred. Then I lost it all on one hand. The thing is, I'd been in a similar position before where I had made money and lost it, but I always felt that the next time would be different. And online gaming is the worst since it's so convenient to just give your money away with the click of a few buttons.
I stopped, naturally. I had to. I played mainly because I had nothing to do since graduation. Having all the free time in the world really can take you in two directions: either really productive or the exact opposite. It wasn't about the money. I didn't care about the money that I lost, I just hated the way I felt. I was depressed and angry. I can only imagine if I hadn't quit smoking, how much more damage that would've done to me due to gambling.
The thing is, 5 years ago, I never considered myself to ever become a smoker/gambler/druggy. I smoke weed, but I am hardly a druggy. Thank goodness weed isn't addicting. Weirdly enough, it was because I had stopped smoking a few months back that allowed me to stop gambling. I realized the addiction, localized it and stopped it. I had my experiences with smoking to guide me into making that decision. I am really fucking lucky that I had done that or else I'd be in real shit right now.
So yeah, in my free time these days, I've been working out a lot more. I still play my video games as, despite the addiction, they provide more pleasure than pain.
On an aside, I am going to watch slumdog millionaire again today with a different (and MUCH MUCH smarter) group of friends. I wasn't going to do so initially since I'd already seen it, but it is what it is.
That ends this post
The fact is, you can never really quit. I mean, you can stop, but never really quit unless you have the utmost of dedication.
The thing with cigarettes was that it factored in emotions. If I was tired, stressed or angry, I smoked. If I had just eaten, if I was bored or if I was just hanging out friends who smoked, I smoked. If I saw someone smoke, ooh boy, I wanted a fag in my mouth (that's right). But in all seriousness, it was bad.
So I was playing poker online for money for a month or two. I'd become really good at it, so I kept going at it and was making money. I started off with 10, doubled it, then doubled that. Soon I was at over a hundred. Then I lost it all on one hand. The thing is, I'd been in a similar position before where I had made money and lost it, but I always felt that the next time would be different. And online gaming is the worst since it's so convenient to just give your money away with the click of a few buttons.
I stopped, naturally. I had to. I played mainly because I had nothing to do since graduation. Having all the free time in the world really can take you in two directions: either really productive or the exact opposite. It wasn't about the money. I didn't care about the money that I lost, I just hated the way I felt. I was depressed and angry. I can only imagine if I hadn't quit smoking, how much more damage that would've done to me due to gambling.
The thing is, 5 years ago, I never considered myself to ever become a smoker/gambler/druggy. I smoke weed, but I am hardly a druggy. Thank goodness weed isn't addicting. Weirdly enough, it was because I had stopped smoking a few months back that allowed me to stop gambling. I realized the addiction, localized it and stopped it. I had my experiences with smoking to guide me into making that decision. I am really fucking lucky that I had done that or else I'd be in real shit right now.
So yeah, in my free time these days, I've been working out a lot more. I still play my video games as, despite the addiction, they provide more pleasure than pain.
On an aside, I am going to watch slumdog millionaire again today with a different (and MUCH MUCH smarter) group of friends. I wasn't going to do so initially since I'd already seen it, but it is what it is.
That ends this post
Friday, December 05, 2008
Sleep paralysis
About a year or so ago, I had a horrible dream (or so I thought) and I didn't know what to think of it. I had this nightmare where I was in my room sleeping--in the exact same position that I was ACTUALLY sleeping--and this horrifying apparition of a deceased girl was settled atop my chest. Now I've conditioned myself to know when I am in a nightmare and I just tell myself that whilst dreaming and subsequently wake up; however, this time I wasn't able to do so at all. I kept waking up to the exact same apparition on my chest and kept trying to rid myself of it. It wouldn't go away and I felt like the pressure was mounting. Eventually, I woke up--after a dozen or so tries at trying--and it was morning and then fine. I never really told anyone. I remember telling Jane that I had some awful nightmare and then she had told me that in chinese culture, it's usually an apparition of someone on your chest that prevents you from getting up. This fucked my mind up since I hadn't even told her what my nightmare was about.
So for the past year or two, I've lived with that notion that something was beyond me without any explanation of it. It happened a little while back as well, but this time the apparition was just at the doorway and not my chest (good thing).
I finally went to work today and my co-worker, Ian, and I got to talking. We were getting into a pretty heavy discussion, so I decided to let him know of it. He, being a psychology major, then explained to me that it was all bullshit and purely psychological.
Apparently, everything I've experienced has been documented in wikipedia and scientifically proven to be a Sleep Paralysis.
When you check out the site, which you will undoubtedly do, the symptom section explains it:
* Hallucinations: Images or speaking that appear during the paralysis. The person may think that someone is standing beside them or they may hear strange sounds. These may be dreamlike, possibly causing the person to think that they are still dreaming. Often it is reported as feeling a weight on one's chest, as if being underneath a person or heavy object.
These symptoms can last from mere seconds to several minutes (although they can feel like much longer) and can be frightening to the person. There may be some body movement, but it is very unlikely and hard for a person to accomplish.
There's a lot more to it, actually. The thing is, I used to be a heavy taker of sleeping pills to render myself asleep. I used to take melatonin, which is a natural chemical in the body which regulates the sleep/wake cycle. I began getting horrible nightmares and the drug started having adverse effects. The problem is, when you take a supplement of any kind that is already produced by the body, the body gets the indication to stop producing that chemical because it's being obtained from an outside source. Subsequently, when I stopped taking those pills, I was producing low levels of melatonin in my body which fucked up my sleep/wake cycle. The low levels of melatonin also played a part in what happened, though I am not entirely sure how.
The page also leads to links about lucid dreams; where dreams seem very real and the person can snap out of the dream whenever they want to.
The thing is, after all that I've been through, I can actually control many of my dreams. I almost always know when I am in a dream and can snap myself out. I can also control my actions in the dream the majority of the time (I can NOT control other people's actions, however). Infact, at times, I can actually wake up and go back to sleep and reenter the dream (sometimes in a different position of the dream) and continue it.
There are, however, times where I cannot control my dreams and sometimes those nightmares have been excruciatingly scary that I have forcibly blocked most of it out that I never want to imagine that shit ever again.
My co-worker buddy was telling me about the sleep paralysis that he's been having (apparently 10 times in the past month) as well and told me that he also takes a lot of melatonin to help him with his sleep. I know very well that it's a shit thing to keep on doing, so I gave him my advice to stop. We'll see if he actually does. It's a strong relief to know what I experienced wasn't something totally ridiculous and has happened to others.
So for the past year or two, I've lived with that notion that something was beyond me without any explanation of it. It happened a little while back as well, but this time the apparition was just at the doorway and not my chest (good thing).
I finally went to work today and my co-worker, Ian, and I got to talking. We were getting into a pretty heavy discussion, so I decided to let him know of it. He, being a psychology major, then explained to me that it was all bullshit and purely psychological.
Apparently, everything I've experienced has been documented in wikipedia and scientifically proven to be a Sleep Paralysis.
When you check out the site, which you will undoubtedly do, the symptom section explains it:
* Hallucinations: Images or speaking that appear during the paralysis. The person may think that someone is standing beside them or they may hear strange sounds. These may be dreamlike, possibly causing the person to think that they are still dreaming. Often it is reported as feeling a weight on one's chest, as if being underneath a person or heavy object.
These symptoms can last from mere seconds to several minutes (although they can feel like much longer) and can be frightening to the person. There may be some body movement, but it is very unlikely and hard for a person to accomplish.
There's a lot more to it, actually. The thing is, I used to be a heavy taker of sleeping pills to render myself asleep. I used to take melatonin, which is a natural chemical in the body which regulates the sleep/wake cycle. I began getting horrible nightmares and the drug started having adverse effects. The problem is, when you take a supplement of any kind that is already produced by the body, the body gets the indication to stop producing that chemical because it's being obtained from an outside source. Subsequently, when I stopped taking those pills, I was producing low levels of melatonin in my body which fucked up my sleep/wake cycle. The low levels of melatonin also played a part in what happened, though I am not entirely sure how.
The page also leads to links about lucid dreams; where dreams seem very real and the person can snap out of the dream whenever they want to.
The thing is, after all that I've been through, I can actually control many of my dreams. I almost always know when I am in a dream and can snap myself out. I can also control my actions in the dream the majority of the time (I can NOT control other people's actions, however). Infact, at times, I can actually wake up and go back to sleep and reenter the dream (sometimes in a different position of the dream) and continue it.
There are, however, times where I cannot control my dreams and sometimes those nightmares have been excruciatingly scary that I have forcibly blocked most of it out that I never want to imagine that shit ever again.
My co-worker buddy was telling me about the sleep paralysis that he's been having (apparently 10 times in the past month) as well and told me that he also takes a lot of melatonin to help him with his sleep. I know very well that it's a shit thing to keep on doing, so I gave him my advice to stop. We'll see if he actually does. It's a strong relief to know what I experienced wasn't something totally ridiculous and has happened to others.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Slumdog Millionaire.
Well first off, I'd like to say that the experience of a movie can sometimes largely depend on who you decide to watch the movie with. A movie like this (sans blockbuster or bollywood bullshit) is usually watched with people for an appreciation for movies and not just to be entertained. By that I don't mean to imply that only movie aficionados can appreciate a movie like slumdog millionaire, but the insight that goes with it and comes out of it solely depends on the people. I usually watch movies with Reuben and I didn't this time because he said he was going to watch it with Mai, instead, so I decided to watch it with some cricket friends.
I don't know what to say about the movie, really. Words can be written to delineate the plot, the performances and perhaps even something insightful; However, sometimes, words alone cannot describe what a movie like this means. In failing to do so, many critics have simply called it a "masterpiece", perhaps, due to a lack of other descriptions.
This might personally be one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life. If I had to, right now, pick which movie I'd want to fall in love with and die with , it just might be Slumdog Millionaire. I don't know if that statement makes any sense, but at the end of the day, I really don't know which movie could possibly have meant more to me.
Dan Boyle deserves an Oscar. Slumdog Millionaire deserves an oscar or two, as well. I can't really say much more than that. For all that is not going great in my life right now, Slumdog actually gives me hope. Not because of the story or anything in particular, but just that if gems like this can be conjured up by finding a way to get all the right materials into one bag from seemingly unpredictable sources to make a masterpiece, then perhaps anything is possible.
All in all, thumbs up to the fucking sky. No rating required.
I don't know what to say about the movie, really. Words can be written to delineate the plot, the performances and perhaps even something insightful; However, sometimes, words alone cannot describe what a movie like this means. In failing to do so, many critics have simply called it a "masterpiece", perhaps, due to a lack of other descriptions.
This might personally be one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life. If I had to, right now, pick which movie I'd want to fall in love with and die with , it just might be Slumdog Millionaire. I don't know if that statement makes any sense, but at the end of the day, I really don't know which movie could possibly have meant more to me.
Dan Boyle deserves an Oscar. Slumdog Millionaire deserves an oscar or two, as well. I can't really say much more than that. For all that is not going great in my life right now, Slumdog actually gives me hope. Not because of the story or anything in particular, but just that if gems like this can be conjured up by finding a way to get all the right materials into one bag from seemingly unpredictable sources to make a masterpiece, then perhaps anything is possible.
All in all, thumbs up to the fucking sky. No rating required.
