So I've been feeling jaded yet again. This time, however, I am pretty sure the problem resides in me and not in someone else. For the longest time I blamed most other people but myself. I had gotten better at taking on more responsibility of my own actions. I got better in the sense that I was able to reflect more on my own shortcomings and make my life easier to live with.

The truth is, a lot of what has happened to me has been a direct result of the way that I have lived my life. I don't really have too many regrets because i don't really know what i could've in place of what i actually did do. The thing is, I don't regret not making the kinds of friends that I wouldn't want to hang out with anyways. It's not being able to make those connections with people--who seemed cool enough to hang out with--when the opportunity arose.

People always talk about how great PDP is and the kinds of people that you meet and all the great fun you can have with them. The thing is, the group of people in my module are actually really cool. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Problem is that I don't think a good portion of them really give a shit about me in the slightest. Why do I feel this way? They never said anything specifically to me--but that's just it. They don't say anything. It's all in their actions and the way they interact with others.

I feel as if I am missing out on a lot of things that I really shouldn't be. Why don't people invite me specifically to things that seem fun.

Anyways, that's a whole different set of issues that I've just been able to deal with on my own in the best way I know how. I am not even sure if this sentence is true or not, but I am going to go with it.

Man, I hate Christmas--yet again, I know, I know. The thing is, there isn't really much that I can do about it. I've never had that strong family connections that others seemingly have. Every family has problems--mine moreso than others--but the issues they have with theirs seem to subside when the holidays come around. I am not sure why that is exactly. Are their families just good at adapting to shitty situations? or am I just too stubborn to admit that I can play a much more efficient role in my family than I give myself credit for.

It's easier to blame others and their faults. For me, it's blaming my family for all the shit that they've put me through. I am not really sure exactly what those faults are anymore. Sure, they didn't do the greatest job in raising me. Financially, they've always been there for me. But emotionally, they've never understood me. Always underappreciated what I was capable of and what I could provide for myself.

I tend to notice a lot of what they haven't done for me, and it's easy because there are a lot of things. I know I shouldn't allow that to get me down so much to the poitn that it actually affects the way I think and feel on a daily basis, but when I see others having a great time and I am not. It just makes me feel like I am a piece of shit. A mega one.

I am not really sure of what to say right now. It's past 6 am on boxing day and I am likely going to sleep through the entire fucking day and probably--yet again--not get any work done even though I have tonnes left to do. I haven't even started my unit planning and I don't know how I am going to get it all done. I know it will get done eventually, but it's just frustrating not having things done ahead of time.

This is probably why I am so bad at managing things in life. I haven't had a girlfriend since highschool. I've lied about not being a virgin because I feel I am good enough to have had sex already.

I don't know why I feel these insecurities since I am very secure with my beliefs and what I am inspite of all the bullshit that has happened to me.

I am starting to hate eharmony now. It was great when I was getting the attention of others. Now, the matches keep coming in, but no one seems to want to message me. Granted, it's the holiday season and it's likely that a lot of them are busy. I don't really blame anyone here. Why should anyone give a shit about me anyways. It's a fucking profile. It doesn't tell anyone who I actually am or what I have to offer. Then again, why anyone should even give a shit is beyond me.

I guess this is what it is about the holiday season. It's a pagan holiday that came about to keep people from being depressed during the shitty-weather sprees and perpetual darkness.

I just really wish to have a strong family of my own at some point. Where my kids respect me and my wife gives me the kind of love and affection that I want. I will try not to expect very much from anyone. Even from my own friends.

I still do plan on going to China once I finish PDP. It's not even just about the money anymore. I want the independence. I want to get away from everything that I know here and start anew, afresh. It's only fair that I give myself that opportunity and push forward in that direction.

I don't know what the future holds in store for me, but I don't really want to find out the hard way. I need to make things happen and I can't keep waiting around for others to help me.

That ends this post.